Baby Geniuses
by amaranteotaku
Summary: - Inuyonas, amaranteotaku collab - We've all heard of geniuses, but what about BABY geniuses...?  we've heard of them too... but not Uzumaki style.


**AN – COLLABORATION FIC! amaranteotaku + Inuyonas = ...Shit's about to go down.**

**Summary: We've all heard of Genius Ninja, but what about BABY geniuses...?**

-x-

The village hidden in the leaves...

A peaceful village at first glance, from the vendors on the side of the dusty bitumen road, to the children drifting exhausted from a long and hard day of school, and even the Ninja guards inconspicuously patrolling the street. You could almost say that this was an ordinary village with ordinary ninja.

However that was not the case.

Today was October tenth. What's so special about this day, you ask? Well this day could be the turning point of the village's future. This day was when the current Jinchuuriki, Kushina, of the Nine Tailed Fox's seal was at its weakest as the time neared where her beloved son would be introduced to the world for the first time. Every ninja who knew would be on guard today.

Minato and his wife Kushina were escorted to a top-secret location where she could give birth to their son safely. Even though they were well away from the village's core, Kushina's screams and wails could be heard ringing throughout the entire forest.

"DAMNIT MINATO THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU'RE GOING TO WAKE UP WITHOUT ANY BALLS TOMORROW WHEN I'M DONE WITH YOU!"

The blond man was whimpering in the corner of the cave-like enclosure, muttering under his breath like a mental patient. "S-sorry, I m-mean… K-K-Kushina d-dearest – "

A nurse prodded him from his corner of the room. "Sir, please, with all due respect, could you please help your wife?"

"Bu-but my ball – "

"She's just in a mood right now… giving birth, you know? She's not actually going to attack your…" Her eyes were desperate.

"But I only have one left after last time!"

Kushina clutched her bulbous stomach savagely and released a high-pitched roar. "BASTARD I HATE YOU! GET THIS THING THE HELL OUT OF ME RIGHT NOW!"

Minato trembled, edging as far as he could into the wall. The doctors and nurses tried desperately to lie her down onto the cushioned mattress set on the floor for her comfort, having to resort to chains and rope when it was clear she wasn't in the mood for cooperation.

Kushina's face was red with rage. Her voice was suddenly a lot calmer, but menace clung to her every word when she spoke again. "I will kill you all!" she cried, lifting a wavering finger to point directly at Minato, "and _you_ will die the most _painful_ death!"

"Eep!" Minato squeaked.

Kushina was pushed onto the mattress, releasing a raspy breath before closing her eyes and hyperventilating.

"Damnit when is the medic Taji going to arrive?" Minato demanded, finding his voice, though it was still a little shaky.

As if he had been summoned, the medic with short brown hair and beady eyes wearing a mask appeared in the doorway. He peered at the wailing Kushina, eyes frenzied as if she were just waiting to explode, with a curious expression and tilted his head to the side.

"Hey! You Taji?" she cried upon sight of him.

The man regarded her with a pained expression, as if he would give everything to be somewhere else, and nodded slowly.

"Get in here!" she screeched, making everyone but the medic flinch.

"…oh, yah," he replied airily, clearing his throat and entering the threshold.

An ANBU sidled towards him, holding out a hand as a sign to halt. "Password."

The medic's eyes glazed over, as if he were in the middle of a flashback. He seemed so distracted and aloof Kushina was afraid to have him help give birth to her son. "…I don't remember there being a password," he said after a moment's consideration.

"Well, there is." The ANBU nodded superiorly, completely ignoring the deep, jagged breaths of the woman behind them.

"Are you sure of this?"

"Quite, good sir."

"Well, I'll be." Taji pushed out his lower lip, scanning the roof. He didn't seem to care about the current situation at all. "But, uh, I gotta get in there. That lady needs to have her baby now."

"Damn-fucking-straight!" said lady called out.

"No password, no entry," the ANBU pressed, slowly moving forwards as if to threaten the doctor.

"Well, that sucks."

"Wrong."

"What?" the doctor asked, suddenly confused. "I wasn't saying it _was_ the password."

"Dear KAMI get this out now!" The two men ignored her.

"Well you certainly never said it wasn't not what you didn't say it wasn't."

The doctor's face became a blank slate. "Um… touché."

"Correct. You may pass." The ANBU stepped aside, gesturing grandly towards the woman in labor.

"Thank you!" everyone but the two men breathed.

"Huh? But I didn't mean to get it right. That doesn't seem fair."

The ANBU considered this. "True. It would be most unprofessional if I allowed you to pass by default. You may _not_ pass." The ANBU did a few hand signs and lashed out fire towards the medic, who was a pile of ash before he could even react.

"What the _hell_ do you think you're doing!" Minato chorused with a pale nurse.

The ANBU turned towards them, resting his hands behind his head. "Failure to pass results in immediate assassination. ANBU password basic rules and procedures."

"Did you have to use fire? What if the place goes down in flames!" a nurse cried. As she spoke, a few wild flames licked the wall nearby and slowly trailed upwards, leaving a charcoal-black trail behind them.

The ANBU laughed. "We don't need no water let the motherfucker burn!" he cheered.

"The hell! We need a medic to _get this baby out of Kushina before a thousand years of pain are unleashed upon this village_!" a distressed nurse cried, brushing away tears at the thought.

"I second that notion!" said woman screeched.

Meanwhile, inside of her stomach, a certain blond-to-be was wallowing impatiently. _For crap's sake_, he thought glumly, _when the hell can I get out of here? My stomach is growling, woman! Let me out!_

"Oh shit oh shit oh shit, what are we going to do now?" the ANBU started to chant, pacing around the room.

"It's your fucking fault," a nurse mumbled miserably.

"Will somebody PLEASE just remove this from me now!"

Minato gulped audibly, clearing his throat as he decided to take initiative. "I suppose we will have to do it… ourselves."

Nobody spoke. Nobody even dared to breathe. Until Kushina decided to rip the mattress in half with a bloodcurdling shriek, launching the room into action. People were running around the room, screaming instructions to one another. They seemed to decide amongst themselves as a last minute precaution to work together to keep the seal from breaking on Kushina's stomach while she was in her fit of rage.

"Three, two, one," Minato counted down, "now! Keep the barrier together, we cannot risk having the Kyubi attacking us now!"

The ninja grew red-faced as they applied all their wit and willpower into keeping the seal together.

When nothing happened, a nearby nurse who had been rocking Kushina's head in her hands – being promptly thrown into a nearby wall – started bawling down hard. "Oh, we're all going to die! The seal has already been broken and – "

Naruto appeared on the remains of the torn mattress.

Everyone stared.

Naruto blinked.

Everyone gaped at the newborn whose eyes were already flickering owlishly.

Naruto's eyebrow's furrowed and he flipped them the finger.

Everyone gasped.

"Stop!" a loud voice boomed throughout the small sealed off cave. All eyes darted towards the main entrance to the room, suddenly completely unguarded. Two bodies were laying limply on the floor, and in their place stood Madara Uchiha…

…who had a very unpleasant view of the events unfolding.

He blushed beet red towards the open legs in his direct line of vision. "Oh, um, hey… sorry – ah – I won't look, I mean…" he quickly turned away from the panting Kushina, who'd seemed to stop caring about everything. "I'm here for the baby, so, yeah."

Everyone was still a little shell-shocked, apart from Kushina herself who had suddenly gone very pale and passed out. All eyes were fixed on Madara. "Hey…" an ANBU began, "hey, you're not meant to be here. This is supposed to be a secret ceremony."

Madara feigned ignorance. "Really?"

"Yeah. You have to leave now, and please refrain from killing anyone else on your way out."

"Well, the Hokage told me otherwise."

"The Hokage is right here," the ANBU pointed out bluntly, indicating vaguely towards the shivering blond figure on the floor. "He _gave_ the order."

"You don't understand," he covered, "I'm… the… baby photographer, you see."

"Photographer?" Minato parroted skeptically.

"Yes. I have to get the baby and take her – "

"Him."

" – for her photo shoot, now." He twirled a finger in his hair impatiently. "And I haven't got all day. Baby photographer is a pretty hectic business, always busy you know. We're in very high demand."

"Wait…" Minato began, "so you're _not_ Madara?"

"Tch, who? Who is this 'Madara' you speak of?" The masked man scoffed several times. "He sure sounds like one hell of a guy, though. I sure _wish_ I were him. He sounds like he must be really hot and sexy, you know, like, all strong and awesome and shit. But I don't know who he is. He just sounds like an awesome guy. My name is…" he glanced around the room, piecing objects together to form a name. Rocks, mattress springs, towels… "Rotress Wells."

Minato's eyes thinned skeptically. "What kind of a name is 'Rotress'?"

Madara pretended to shed a tear. "My parents hated me…" Nobody showed any sympathy. "Um, and they were Canadian…"

Minato's gaze softened. "Right then, Mr. Wells, so you are wearing that mask why?"

"…Uniform requirements."

"And you don't have any equipment with you right now because…?"

"It's in my van."

"Uh huh," he chuckled cynically. "And you killed those ANBU with your photography skills, did you?"

"…no… I used, um, the flash on my camera. They wanted me to take a photo of them before but the flash exploded from their… sheer awesomeness and the shards flew into their eyes causing extreme blood loss and instant death from shock and pain... and their jugular vein was slit by a kunai that they accidentally fell onto." The entire room continued to gape at him. "…I'm also a part-time medic," he finished. "A non-ninja one."

Minato approached him, Naruto held in his arms protectively. He smiled. "Seems legit to me! His name is Naruto, but between you and me, I always liked the name Magnum-Seger but the wife had said it was cruel or something. Here you go!"

Madara's eyes widened beneath his mask. "Really? I mean, yeah, cool." Madara held a kunai to the boy's neck. "Psyche. I'll just take him out back now… and if you don't bring that wife of yours along he's gonna die. Your choice." The cloaked man reached for the baby, tucking him under his arm like a purse before dashing out the door.

Minato smiled after him. "Boy, what a nice guy… that joke he made was a little lame, though. You know, with the kunai. If I didn't know any better I would think that he was phony."

His face was soon slammed into the nearest wall courtesy of a now fully conscious Kushina. "You freakin' idiot! That _was_ Madara!"

Minato rubbed his head, cowering into the corner defensively. "N-no, it was the baby photographer…"

"That's not a thing!"

Enlightenment filled the blond's eyes. "Oh." He scratched the back of his neck. "I'll have to make sure I create those. Baby photographer is a good idea."

The ANBU ran for the Third Hokage's apartment to alert him of the bad news as Kushina and Minato sprinted after their son – the son they had failed to look after from, literally, day one.

-x-

Madara sighed, tossing the baby up and down through the air as if he were a ball. He was standing in the middle of nowhere, using his Sharingan to try and find his way through the maze of endless trees surrounding him.

"Damn, I should have stayed there, or at least told them where I was going. Now I'm lost with this dumb-shit of a baby when I could have the Kyubi in my control. Perhaps Nagato was right, I should have actually planned this out…"

It was true; Madara had gotten lost in the moment and ran blindly through the forest – finding himself completely disoriented – until he became tired and decided to walk until he found sight of civilization.

He laughed to himself, when he felt a sharp piercing feeling in his stomach. Glancing down, he saw that the stupid baby he carried was glaring up at him with open eyes, kicking his gut furiously.

"The hell…?" he trailed off, staring at the small boy. Wasn't he supposed to be a newborn? Why were his eyes open? How was his undeveloped body managing to kick him?

He held the writhing form away from him by the scruff of the blanket it was enveloped in and glared at it disdainfully. It didn't look older than a day. In fact, it's tiny body seemed fragile enough to break _without_ chakra – using his pinkie. He was tiny, chubby and… almost adorable. _Almost_.

But the moment Madara caught the baby's gaze in his, he knew there was something different. He could see the knowledge and wisdom, the ability to comprehend, shining amidst the penetrating blue. It was unreal.

He almost forgot his mission when something behind the baby's dangling body caught his attention. Something that looked a whole lot like the shrine where he would take control of the Kyubi.

What luck.

"Sweet," he laughed once he was high enough to see over the tops of the trees. He had to make himself noticeable…

He propped the baby on the ground, fitting a rock beneath his head so Naruto could see him properly upon the boulder he stood. He stretched his arm out to the side, flexing his muscles, mirroring the action with his other arm. "How's this pose, kid? Think it'll grab their attention?"

_It definitely draws attention to your ego_, Naruto thought. It frustrated him that he couldn't say it out loud; it was as if his brain was more advanced than his body could handle in these early stages of his life, so he had to opt for frowning disapprovingly.

He wasn't even really sure where he was. First he was lounging in some black void that played a constant beat in the distance, like a drum in the background somewhere above that was constantly pounding, and the next thing he knew his lungs were burning as they sucked in air.

He opened his eyes for the first time, only to be graced with the sight of one hundred more locked on him curiously. Didn't they know it was rude to stare? He didn't know how he got there so fast, either.

Madara continued to try out numerous poses before settling with a more natural pencil-straight stance with his arms folded superiorly. "It just gives of the right vibe, you know? They'll be intimidated for sure."

Naruto rolled his eyes, something he didn't know he could do until then.

Something rustled from behind him. Leaves crunched beneath the weight of Minato, who has screaming. "Naruto! Here, baby, baby, baby…"

Madara resisted the urge to facepalm. Minato was heading in the complete opposite direction, going to pass right by them. Sighing, he picked up a nearby stone and, even though he couldn't actually see the Hokage, hit him square in the head with it.

A startled "Ouch!" rang through the trees, and a few moments later, Kushina broke into the clearing, towing her complaining husband behind her with a strained expression. She knew she was surrounded by idiots. It had stopped bothering her long ago.

Naruto had a sudden feeling that they were his parents. He didn't know how, he didn't know why – perhaps it was the way they stared at him with disturbed and concerned faces, as if they would do anything for him. They looked so distressed, seeing him in the possession of this masked stranger.

Minato stood up straight as soon as he saw the cloaked figure. "You! You liar, there's no such thing as a baby photographer!"

"No shit, Sherlock."

His face dropped. "Who?"

"Never mind." Madara tried his best to flex his folded arms. "You, Minato, need to get out of the way."

The blond stood his ground, aura emanating determination. "Like hell I will. You back off from my family, or else face the consequences!"

Madara pretended to quaver. "Oh, I'm so scared." He activated his Sharingan, the redness glinting in the moonlight even from under his mask. "What you gonna do? Run around me with your super speed until the ground cracks and an earthquake starts?"

"Shit! You're Madara!" His face crumpled. "Or, some random Uchiha… Fugaku? Is this about that curry in the fridge? I swear I didn't know it was yours!"

"Madara," Kushina assured him.

Said Uchiha ignored them both and, using his Kekkei Genkai, sucked Kushina into a warp hole and spitting her out directly in front of him. She shook her head in a flustered manner, fumbling to her feet and muttering disconcerted obscenities under her breath.

Minato's eyes widened, sprinting towards his wife. "You leave her alone, you – " His face hit the ground not long after tripping over his robe.

"Minato, you're useless," she sighed.

"Ugh…" Madara rubbed his temples. Things were getting out of hand, and if he didn't get to capture the Kyubi soon it would be too late – Kushina would regain her strength. She already seemed to be rejuvenated.

Minato's breath staggered. These people were his family, he would do anything to save them…

He thought over all the knowledge he had about Uchiha's. How could he convince Madara to back off and fight him alone? What could he do to save his only son and beloved wife?

He snapped his fingers as the answer came to him. "Walk off!" he cried, pointing a firm finger towards the masked man. Madara stiffened. Minato smirked when he saw this. "That's right, Uchiha." He clambered to his feet, wobbling slightly as he brushed off his clothing. "I challenge _you_ to a walk off!"

Madara shrieked. "No! How could you… who of the Uchiha betrayed us all and told you of our only weakness?"

Minato smirked. "Does the name Mikoto ring any bells?"

The masked man was frozen into place as he tried desperately to think of some plotholes there may be. Of course, there were hundreds, he just couldn't use any of the to his advantage.

When an Uchiha is challenged to a walk off, they cannot back down – _ever_. It is an unspoken rule. Something they simply cannot resist. Nobody knows why this is, the entire matter is unexplained; all they know is that is they ever back down from a walk off challenge, they, their children and their children's children will all suffer. If they ever went back on their word, dishonoring the terms, the same applied. That was confirmed years ago.

The consequences didn't strike straight away. That was also partly why Madara had left Konoha, since Fugaku's father had refused a walk off. The consequences would soon follow, no doubt, affecting the entire clan.

His shoulder's slumped and he began to shiver uncontrollably. If he refused now… he may never be able to accomplish his goal and execute his 'Moon's Eye' plan.

"Alright," he rasped. "You win. What are your terms?"

Minato tried to maintain his poker face, but he was so excited he ended up looking constipated. "If I win, you leave my family alone."

Madara tried not to look happy when he realized that no matter what, he could still take the Kyubi. He sighed forlornly. "Oh, no! Please, anything but that!"

The Hokage blushed and grinned in triumph. "Oh, yes! Suffer!"

"Yeah…" he chuckled beneath his mask. "Well _when_ I win, you have to give me an all access pass to…" he thought for a moment. "…every single woman in your village over the age of eighteen." He thought it over again. "And under thirty-five."

"Um, sure…"

"Alright," Madara's eyes gleamed. "Let the battle, begin!"

Madara jumped down from the giant rock, creating a catwalk with his genjutsu. "Ladies first."

Minato blushed, scowling as climbed the stairs. He stood on the back edge of the catwalk, eying his wife who had at some point been tied down with wire. He gulped. This was probably a bad idea, he deduced, since he had never actually won a walk off before.

"Begin!" he shouted. 80's pop music boomed throughout the forest. Madara went first, using his cloak as an accessory and waving it behind him. He lifted his arms up in the air as he neared the end of the catwalk and did a backflip, flicking out hid=s fingers like a gymnast afterwards.

The Yondaime smirked. Too easy. He strut with more gusto down to the end of the catwalk and mimicked Madara's movements, craning his neck backwards to smirk at his opponent.

_I'm just warming up_, Madara thought wickedly. He waited for Yondaime to finish off his own move. Minato shimmied down the catwalk then twirled like a ballerina at the end. Admittedly, he just wanted to see Madara make a fool of himself in case he died.

Meanwhile, Naruto was watching his father shaking his body. _Am I seriously related to that guy…?_

At the end of his strut, he stuck up his middle fingers and shouted "Konoha Bitches!"

Madara facepalmed in unison with Kushina. _This is a waste of time…_

Madara copied him with much less enthusiasm. _I have to end this quickly_, he decided, opting for his ultimate move – the dinosaur. He took three deep breaths to steady himself.

Walking extremely slow down the aisle, he paused halfway through and striped off his cloak. Using a genjutsu, he started pacing back and forth alongside three brontosaurus's, pawing his hands and growling. Next, he performed the 'thriller' dance with a T-rex and ended this epic performance with a breaststroke move with some pterodactyls and the splits, which produced an unsettling cracking sound.

"Oh, snap!" Kushina gasped. _Looks like I'm screwed, then._

Minato jumped, gaping at what he was supposed to mimic. "B-but… genjutsu is cheating!"

Madara waggled a finger in the air sagely from his split position on the ground. "Uh-uh-ah… you never said so in your terms, now did you?"

"But – "

"Nope."

Minato deflated. "I… I forfeit."

Madara skipped towards his wife. "Yay! Now I get the Kyubi and all the bitches I want!" He stopped skipping when a shuriken flew over his head. "Oh. I should probably kill you first then, huh."

Minato scoffed. "Please. You may be one of the strongest Uchiha's to have ever lived, but you forget that I am the Fourth Hokage! I have fought demons and sealed tailed beasts with little difficulty, you – "

Madara stabbed him through the chest and left the carcass lying near Naruto. "Well, don't need wither of you anymore," he laughed. His eyes caught the baby's. They were wide and horror-stricken, almost as if he knew what was going on. It was just a newborn… not like it could do anything…

He danced his way over to where Kushina was strapped, exhausted, to a giant boulder. He paused by her face. "Alright, so here's what's gonna go down: I'm taking the Kyubi from you, and you're just gonna chill here until you die. That cool?"

Kushina boiled with rage. She was considering knowing her own wrists off to save her baby, when she saw Minato wave at her from the corner of her eye. He was going to attack Madara from behind! All she needed to do was stall him long enough, and –

Madara stated the procedure, releasing the Kyubi before anyone could blink. Madara was even a little shocked at how fast things had gone. Usually it took ages… then again, her seal had been extremely weak from childbirth.

Madara wasn't one to argue with a good thing. The Kyubi was already standing right where he wanted him, all he needed to do now was –

Minato stabbed Madara through the heart. He also couldn't help but think all these attacks were going by a little too quickly for his liking, even if he was the one delivering.

"Shit…" _Guess I'm kinda screwed then. What a twist._

Naruto observed the following events quietly. He felt so helpless as he watched the two people that brought him into the world carry him away from a giant monster with tails that lashed at the forest and demolished everything in sight. His mother was warm and comforting, but she was clearly weak. Minato, his father, soon caught up with her and took him from he hands carefully, cradling him in the crook of his arm.

The sounds of ninja in battle grew louder as each second passed. Orders were being shouted over screams of pain and terror. The only things that stopped him from mentally freaking out were his mother's gorgeous eyes, staring straight into his, as she whispered in his ear. "Everything will be okay," she assured him. She started conversing with his Father, who's face was now streaked with tears.

The next thing he knew, he laying on the ground watching as the beast neared. _Mother! Father! Run away! _It was like they didn't even see the best approaching, didn't sense his overbearing chakra.

The next thing he knew, his entire body was burning. Every inch, every cell, everything that made up the body of Naruto was engulfed in black chakra flames. He could feel his body being invaded, as if someone else was taking over his mind and soul, or at least a part of it.

The beast disappeared, and so did everything around him as everything went black.

-x-

Please blame amaranteotaku for being such an idiot with this. Inuyonas is the brains when it comes to humor… I tried my best, but I cannot compare. Hopefully it didn't suck completely, and expect much more funny stuffs when he gets involved more next chapter!


End file.
